I gained it all back

This isn’t a “Transformation Tuesday” post or a “Weight Loss Wednesday” one either. It’s an “I Gained It All Back (insert day of the week here)” post.

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. What a cliche sentence that oh-so-many of us have written, said or simply thought about over and over again. The latest chapter in my saga began about a year and a half ago.

I was unexpectedly thrust into a new position at my then job. My first justification to begin a weight loss endorsement was for job security. Oh, and losing weight was another obvious plus. The program worked. Low carb. Low fat. The people coaching me were nice. However, I was facing an uncertain future.

My contract was up, I knew I’d get renewed, but the specifics were not at all what I was expecting. With three months left on my deal, I made the decision to amicably leave after my contract finished. With that, my weight loss had stalled.

I couldn’t tell them (the weight loss endorsement company) why. I couldn’t tell them about my stress. I couldn’t share with them that my entire world was about to change and that I needed their help, and wanted their help, more than ever because if I did, it’d affect the business relationship they had with my employer.

Why not just tell them? Well, remember the word “amicable?” I wanted to keep the split between me and my job that way. I also had three months left of income that I needed to collect since I wasn’t sure where my next paycheck would come from. Money talks. Or in this case, money made me not talk.

Ultimately the weight loss program put me on a somewhat suspension. They wouldn’t coach me or help until I could produce results. I believe they could have helped me navigate this stress if I was able to share my circumstances. But that’s a moot point now.

I was determined to, at the bare minimum, keep the weight off I had lost. I was down 30 pounds. I felt great on the outside. I looked the best I had in years but inside I felt the worst.

 

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By the grace of God my next opportunity came in television. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to lose this weight because it’s TV and duh, looks matter. So at this point I’m transitioning into a career that’s even more in the spotlight and puts an emphasis on my outside appearance. All of these changes meant I needed new clothes but I couldn’t afford them and I made do with what I had. Things were going great. I didn’t lose anymore weight but I wasn’t gaining. I was steady.

Then my home was flooded. A pipe burst between my condo unit and the one above mine. It was a slow leak that ultimately gutted my place and mold consumed my walk-in closet and all of it’s contents. Everything was gone.

What they had said would be a 6-8 week evacuation has turned into a 7 month (and still on going as of this writing) ordeal. I left my place with nothing but my dog and a small suitcase. I didn’t know the level of destruction at the time. (The details of the rebuilding process are a completely different story and one for another day.)

I was renting a room from a co-worker. I had nothing of mine. And I wouldn’t get reimbursed from insurance until I was able to make it back into my home. Well if I thought I was broke before, I really was now.

The weight started to come back. My life was a disaster so I convinced myself that I deserved a cheeseburger. Ok, lots of cheeseburgers. My life looked nothing like it did just a few months before. My hair color went from blonde to brunette. I changed careers. Didn’t have my clothes. Didn’t have the same body. Didn’t even have the same bed to sleep in or toilet to shit in. I leaned on cheeseburgers. They were cheap and they made me feel good.

I convinced myself I could get back on track. That didn’t happen. The new track I was on provided me a bigger waistline, a lot less sleep, and took a big toll on my mental health.

I don’t share this story for sympathy because I’ll be fine. People have it way worse than I do. I woke up on the right side of the dirt and for that I am thankful. I share this story because 1) I want to forgive myself and move on and 2) I want to show that while things may seem great, happy and better than ever on social media, they might not be in real life.

I’m too scared to get back on the scale. I know I’ve gained the weight back and possibly even more based on how my clothes fit. The waist to muffin top ratio has increased as has the bra band to back fat ratio.

A year ago, I was the most confident in my physical appearance but my world was a mess. Today I’ve got a handle on this amazing new career. A position that I never thought I’d get. One that I thought I was too fat, old, or simply not good enough for. One that I’m actually pretty dang good at! Outside I’m not where I want to be. But damn, despite the on going chaos, life is good!

Wait. Let’s be honest. Life’s not good every single moment of everyday. No. But overall. God is good and has blessed me. He has put tribulations in my life not to break me but to prove to myself that I can, with His help, be better than I ever thought or imagined I could be.

As I sit here at Starbucks writing this, with my jeans digging into the aforementioned muffin top, I can’t help but think that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, looking exactly how I’m supposed to look, on the the exact path I’m supposed to be on.

There are a lot of questions. Everything from will I lose this weight forever or will I yo-yo for life? Will I ever get into my condo? How long will the amazing career last? Will I ever find love? Have babies? Grow my business? Hell, will I start to consistently blog on this site?! Phew…that was a lot. And that just scratches the surface. But the answer I have today is I’m thankful. I can’t fix everything. It’s not my job. I leave my anxieties at God’s feet and live for today.

At the end of these kinds of posts comes some type of promise or motivational quote. That’s not happening here. There’s not a stereotypical happy ending because this isn’t the end. This is a part of my story. One that’s real. One that I know others can relate to.

No one on this earth has all the answers. We’re not supposed to. Just know, you aren’t the only one. I can’t promise it’ll get better. I can share my story, my worries, my fears and anxieties in hopes that you will cut yourself some slack and know that it’s OK to not be OK. I’m not saying to flaunt the muffin top or back fat or whatever it is that you’re physically insecure about (if you want to, hey go for it!) but what I am encouraging you to do is appreciate life for what it is. Perfectly imperfect.

43 comments

  1. I love this Ellen. It makes us not feel like we are all alone. Thank you for all that you do. And I agree, we are all blessed by God.

    1. You have a full plate…overflowing and as always you handle yourself wonderfully. I listened to you every morning on the radio and you always made me smile. I send hugs to you and hope that gives you a bit of a smile!! It’s a journey❤️

  2. Thank you for sharing. It helps to hear your story because it reintegrated that we are all muck more alike then it may seem. I too have struggled with weight , in fact last year I had lost 60 pounds, guess what, I have gained back 50 .

    But each day is a new day and at the end of them we need to remember what we are thankful for and give our selves permission to mess up.

  3. Ellen I’m so proud of YOU!!!! Just continue being you❤️❤️❤️Adore you and will always be in your corner! Xoxo Jolene

  4. I love this Ellen, it’s very well said..I feel this way myself and haven’t had a job in six months..it’s been rough..i also was diagnosed last yr with having breast cancer and finished all my treatment a few months ago but still have a long road to go.thank you for sharing your story

  5. Ellen,You are amazing. Your story is inspiratonal, yes but more importantly, it is REAL! And relatable for many! I know you are not looking for sympathy, approval or anything like that but please keep talking, keep sharing!

  6. Ellen- You are such an inspiration! I too have struggled with weight. I gained a lot, got sick of it and started eating healthy and exercising. Lost 60 pounds. Then life changes struck and I gained 55 back. Now a new job where I am physically more active and don’t get bored and binge on junk food and I’m back down 50! Keep doing you and being an inspiration to all us thick girls!

  7. I am FOREVER your fan, Ellen! I love your outlook, radiance, and overall positivity. Thank you for being transparent and honest.

  8. Thank you for sharing your story! Weight loss is really a journey for so many of us, with major ups and downs. I lost a bunch of weight for my wedding and have since tried to get back on the “low carb train” again and again. It’s tough, without such a major life event/deadline to push towards. But we have to be gentle with ourselves! Focus on being healthy vs. a specific number on the scale. Focus on feeling good, drinking water and staying active. Eating food that fuels us, not slows us down. But don’t forget to enjoy that glass of wine every now and then! 🙂 It’s all about balance.

  9. I hear every word you say. I got desperate after my life long yo-yo of dieting…lose 10…gain 25. About 2.5 years ago I decided to take drastic measures and I had WLS. It’s not for everyone but it’s helped me. It’s a journey and my life will never be the same…but my journey from 333 to 175 has been a crazy one. You do you Ellen. You make sure that you don’t let anyone else tell you any differently. We all matter, not matter what the size. ❤️

  10. You are an inspiration!! A smart, funny and beautiful (no matter what size) woman!! Keep doing what you’re doing!! Forever fan!

  11. You are beautiful just the way you are and you have an army of people who love and support you in many ways! You are loved!

  12. Ellen you are absolutely gorgeous. Your an inspiration to so many and have an incredible personality. I love how open and truthful you are. Keep being you, the local celebrity that everyone loves and supports.

  13. I love how honest you are. Regardless of your size, you are beautiful and your personality is light filled. Insecurity is natural and human.

  14. Ellen, Thankyou for keeping it real! I think you are so beautiful inside and out! No matter the size. We all have ups and downs when dealing with our weight. It is what it is. We just have to have ourselves a plan and get back on track. Until then my friend just be you.

  15. I’ve struggled with weight loss my whole life. I opted to go to Tijuana, MX to have gastric sleeve surgery. Best decision I’ve ever made. Not only have I lost 115lbs, but I learned how to fuel my body to be healthy. If your interested, please contact me. Michael.westfall@hotmail.com

  16. Thank you for sharing. You may want to check out avatarnutrition.com. It’s a nutrition coach/macro counter that is affordable and easy to follow. Check it out. And no, I have no affiliation to them. But I am a member. And I really believe it’s a life changer

  17. You sharing your story, will help someone that is scared to share their story. We all have shit going on in our lives, I for one don’t pretend on social media, I’m going to be real. If I’m sad because my fiancé decided we are no longer compatible and didn’t want to get married after he had put the ring on my finger, I will post sad shit. I’m done censoring myself because I’m afraid how people with respond or react. I’m done hiding the fact that I’m struggling with severe depression and anxiety. You’re an inspiration to a lot of people, and you have an amazing personality. I now channel surf the radio in my car. You’re a masterpiece working on mastering your peace! Keep your head up lady!

  18. Ellen I remember when I first heard you on the radio and how you always made me smile. Than I got to see a picture of you and my daughter at an event (Swift and Savory food truck) And was I ever so thankful when I read about how you were soo real sharing your anxiety etc. You are a lady I look up to. Outside you have always looked amazing in a sizes and shows your faith and confidence but I know it’s not always easy and that’s ok.God loves you and so do I. Thank you for being you and having the courage to share. Wish I was still in WA I miss hearing your shows. Take care and have a Merry CHRISTmas

  19. Ellen, you are real,not like so many on TV. Women can relate to you. You aren’t perfect, you aren’t a size 0. I love watching you and seeing what you are going to do next. You aren’t a phoney and don’t pretend to be something you aren’t. Please don’t ever change. I hope your living situation gets better soon. Hang in there.

  20. Thank you for posting this! You have come so far and we all have set backs and I have no doubt in my mind that things can only go up from here!! EVERYTHING happens for a reason!! Thank you for being you and being so open and honest with us!

  21. Oh Ellen… it’s like you put down in to words what I’ve definitely been feeling. Feeling depressed, gaining weight you’ve work hard to get off, being broke because of unforeseen circumstances…. the struggle is real, but saying to myself everyday that it is okay to not be okay has been hard, but the most productive. I’ve been following you since GR and I have always loved how real you are. Props!

  22. Words cannot describe what affect your words and actions have on the public. For me, you are a blessing and I appreciate your honest sharing of your journey. I could go on forever and embarrass myself, but I’ll choose to be coy and just say this man thinks much of you. God bless.

  23. Ellen!!!!! Wow. I’m so thankful that I stopped to read your post. You have literally just said, what I’ve been thinking for about 6 months. You truly are a courageous beautiful soul. Please keep writing, and encouraging us ladies❤️❤️

  24. From one college friend to another, I hear you and admire your “realness” especially at the end. We all have our journey that we are on that we can relate with similarities.

    If you ever want to vent, hit me up! Floods are devastating and being displaced from your home can really mess with you. Mine happened during my divorce, freelance working and ended up having to bed hop from friends to friends house in the end with my divorced parents pooling together to rent me a hotel room and put me on a meal delivery service plan because I had lost control of the situation.

    You are strong and will make your own destiny, but there are always people around to help along the way so you don’t have to go at it alone. 😉 Xoxo #lakersforalifetime #sigepsweetheart

  25. This right here is the reason Ellen is one of my favorite people. She’s real, she’s raw and she doesn’t let stupid stuff get her down.

    I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time as she was heading toward the end of her radio time in Seattle. I had recently left my job in radio in Spokane and I knew she was leaving hers soon. I was down about having to step away from radio but despite the anxiety (I now know she was facing) she was cheery and positive and my brief chat with her actually put everything in to perspective for me.

    It seems like every time I’m questioning something, Ellen puts out a new blog that again, puts everything back into perspective. It’s never the end of your story unless you let it be.

    1. I remember that night vividly. Aaron Watson. I also remember you liking Thee Ted Smith more than me. 😉 jk jk I hope all is good in your world now, my friend! Thank you for the kind words. Means a lot. Truly.

  26. I needed this today. I too lost a lot of weight only to gain it all back and then some. I beat myself up for not being able to stay on track and that I continue to allow it to get worse and make excuses for when it goes up without going back down.

    I admire you for sharing this and appreciate your words more than you know.

  27. Aaron Watson! Yes!

    I like Ted more? There is no way I said that…Okay I might have said that 🙂 But he’s got some catching up to do now 😉

    On the real, real though (did I say that right? Like all the cool kids?) I love following your journey, hopefully our paths will cross again in the future.

  28. You are amazing and real. Numbers on a scale or on your clothes dont measure your heart or soul. I love following your media and the truth you speak. I love your faith that He has you in the exact spot you need to be. Keep up the great work.

  29. Ellen!!!! Yes. And amen to all this sister! You are singing everyone’s song and doing it beautifully.

  30. Thank you Ellen for helping me. The last few weeks have been rough on me as well. I have also gained back much of the weight I lost from being pregnant. I think, as women, we are all too hard on ourselves based on what the entertainment business tells us what we should look like or how we should dress, etc. it’s okay that we don’t have everything together and we might not look our greatest. I think that if we, for one moment, were actually understanding of one another that we might all give each other a bit of grace and understanding. Showing love and mercy instead of hate. So thank you. And we will get through the bad days.

  31. First of all, I’m so glad you are on TV now. You have a voice for radio, but a face and personality for TV!
    Secondly,…well, I don’t have a second point that hasn’t already been made in the comments here.
    Life if F-ing hard! Do the best you can everyday and that’s all. Control is an illusion.

  32. Ellen, you are awesome! And an inspiration! I am so glad we met and got to collaborate on raising awareness for the importance of mammograms and early detection of breast cancer. I have watched you go through so much but Still have that wonderful smile. I don’t think you realize how much that means when someone is needing that most. Keep it up, girl! I am sending you warm thoughts and beat wishes!

  33. Ellen you are the most bubbly and cheerful face on tv in the morning! You’re the most gorgeous woman on morning television and you rock those curves! There is absolutely nothing wrong with your weight or you wanting to treat yourself to some good food now and then. You are an inspiration to other women who are not secure with their weight or bodies and nobody should force you or them to change their bodies to please the shallow people who can’t see the beautiful and wonderful person that you are inside and out. Keep your head up high and be proud of yourself for your many accomplishments and finding your way through the struggles life throws at us all.