Meet Karen. A woman who walked the same path many women are struggling to simply get on. The path of health, fitness, and happiness. This was Karen at 260 pounds. She made the choice to change. She trained herself down to a healthy weight, losing over 100 pounds, and is now a Cross Fit coach and personal trainer. There’s no one better to coach me than a woman who’s been there and done that. If she can do it, I can do it.
Look at her! To say she’s amazing is a true understatement! After hearing my story on the radio, a Fitz in the Morning listener suggested I meet with Karen and so I did. She opened her mouth and the cutest British accent came out. But more than that, she gets it. She knows where I am because she’s been there.
Together we made both scale and non-scale goals. She took into consideration the fact that I don’t like running. I’m self conscious of my boobs bouncing around! (We’d have to run a mile every Tuesday in high school and I remember the boys would finish then wait just to watch me. Little pervs.) Considering my hang ups, we’re focusing on a weight focused cardio workout. I don’t want to be thin. I want to be fit. I’m talking big booty hoe! I’m talking curves! I’m talking hour glass figure! I’ve got the shape, (somewhere) so move over Kim Kardashian, I’m coming for you!
As I chomped down on my salmon salad while having dinner with a friend last week, I explained to him that I’m not where I want to be but dammit, I’m going to accept what I do have and love what I’ve got. All of it. For the first time in my life, I believed it. And it scared the shit out of me.
I left dinner that night feeling great but the next morning I woke up and thought, “Why are you confident? You don’t deserve it. At least not yet.” Cue the downfall. I went off the grid. I didn’t fall off the wagon but I fell back into bad habits. I didn’t eat. I didn’t do the homework Karen had assigned. (aka I didn’t go to the gym on my own.) Sure, I didn’t binge but not eating was just as bad.
I had a training session scheduled with Karen the next morning which happened to be the 4th of July. (Remember that Karen’s British and doesn’t care about an American holiday hence the 7am workout.) I had mentally pushed aside what happened the day before but the second I saw Karen, I started to cry. All of the sudden I’m one on of those pussies I see on The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. There’s more to this weight than the physical and Karen is quickly becoming more than my trainer. She’s becoming a mentor, therapist, and friend.
Yuck. I hate being mushy gushy. I hate crying. I hate showing feelings other than a happy-go-lucky girl. But apparently I’ve got to get in touch. Do I use my extra weight to build a physical wall to keep people out? I don’t like letting people in. Hence why I shut Karen out. Even if it was just for a day, that was one day too long.
I cried through that workout not because it was hard but because I finally realized I am going to do this and that scared me. I’ve got my head wrapped around eating right. I’ve got the right trainer. My body is responding great to the workouts. All of this stuff is everything I wanted! Everything I tried so hard for years to achieve. And now that it’s here, I want to crawl into bed and hide. What?! That makes no sense!
I’ve been this way for so long and I’ve only dreamed of being in shape. Being in shape is months away. Granted months of hard work. But I’ve dreamed of this for close to 10 years, if not my whole life. To realize life as I know it is going to change is terrifying. Even if it is a change for the better.
We’re focusing on a strength training cardio regimen. I’ve realized I’m really good at squats. I love the way my butt looks after doing them and more importantly, I’m good at it so it helps boost my confidence! I suck at running so we don’t do it. Karen is showing me ways to get my heart rate up by doing things I actually like. Wait, there are things I actually like in the gym?! Never thought I’d say that.
The day of my crying workout, I found peace while doing squats and asked Karen to snap a few photos. I posted this on my social media sites not because I’m proud of where I’m at. Not because I want attention. But because I need to accept what I am now. I need to love me now. I’m not saying be complacent but I’ve got to love myself. And let’s be real, this will be a great “before” photo. I don’t want my ass to get smaller but I want it tighter. And I want that weight on the bar to increase, a lot! I want to be a beast!
It’s not about the number on the scale anymore. Although yes, it does need to, and will, come down. But I want to look like I’m healthy. No. I want to be healthy! And fit! And thick! (With a tiny waist, of course. HaHa!) And with Karen’s guidance, I know I can do this.