Weight Loss Wednesday #18 – My Why

I was on a conference call with my trainer, Karen, and someone who had joined my DietBet Challenge. The point of the call was to give advice, little did I know that I was going to get advice in the process.

Karen said the #1 thing anyone needs to do before starting on a weight loss journey was to figure out their “Why.” When she first told me this almost a year ago, it sounded like a bunch of phooey. I didn’t think I needed philosophical bullshit. It was in an instant, during that phone call however, that I realized “My Why” and that I knew it all along.

Let’s rewind to a few months ago when I moved. I got rid of so many clothes when I downsized. All I kept wondering about was why had I spent so much money on clothes? It wasn’t because I liked them. It’s because I invested in hiding myself behind them.

Ellen Tailor Closet
Facebook post from May 12, 2013 — “All of my laundry is done and I realize I don’t have enough hangers…or closet space. It might be time for spring cleaning?”

I’m done buying clothes…for now. I’m saving my money to travel. I want to travel. I want to find someone to travel with. When that time comes, I want to make sure I have the money to do that. And even have the money to buy my dream outfit which brings me to “My Why.”

“My Why” is to feel sexy and confident in an outfit as simple as a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I want to be able to wake up for work at 4am and not have to waste time thinking about what pair of pants will fit comfortably. What shirt will hide my gut. When I say t-shirt, I’m not talking a big oversized top. I’m talking about a hot, ladies tee and denim. Hell, maybe I’ll even throw on a pair of heels. I used to wear them all the time but as I gained weight, they started to hurt. The more weight I gained, the more weight they put on my feet, the more and more flats I bought.

I own so many jackets and vests. Why? Because it disguises my belly. My #1 insecurity. I want to wear jeans and a t-shirt and not worry about sitting down because my stomach will bulge over. No more jackets. No more vests. Will I still wear them? Yes. The ones I have and only for now. But I’m not buying anymore.

Wow. Just by writing this I’m realizing my obsession of clothes isn’t because I like fashion. It’s because I was obsessed with hiding. Distracting myself. Distracting everyone who looked at me.

I’m done buying LOTS of clothes. Ok. C’mon. I’m going to buy clothes because I am a fashionista (hahaha) but I’m limiting myself. I’m taking chances with my wardrobe because I’m feeling more confident. I want a man to double take me while wearing jeans and a t-shirt. But I’m not confident enough to wear my dream outfit on date night…yet. I’m feeling more empowered than ever now that I’ve finally discovered, “My Why.”